Crossing a Threshold

Today I crossed a treshhold. The one point in my mind of no return. Today I purchased my airline ticket to Miami. My non-refundable, I'm out a pocket full of cash if I don't follow through with this trip ticket. So I guess I'm all in at this point.

The funny thing is I decided on which ticket to buy over a week ago. I looked at the website about eight times just staring at the itinerary and agreeing that it was the ticket I wanted but not able to get myself to click "buy ticket". I think I was still a little hesitant at committing myself even though technically I am already more than committed.

I have publicly announced that I am going so to pull back now would come with public scorn, although I do think I could come up with an excuse believable enough to convince a good portion of those people that I was making a wise decision for everyone involved. I could spin it in one way or another to come out looking okay. The crux of my memoir hangs on the notion that I go on the trip, but I could somehow write me backing out into the plot and still make it readable.

But now, now my pocketbook is involved. I spent every dollar of my recent birthday money (I turned 25 again) and the proceeds from participating in a medical research study to purchase my ticket. So now if I back out I am out a chuck of money that I so rarely come into contact with. Now I have to go.

Not that I don't want to go; most days it is the only thing that gets me through a day filled with students who don't want to listen and who are very fidgety and noisy, and errands after errands to run, and lunches to pack and bills to worry about. It is usually the last thing I think about at night when I am trying to get to sleep. Although I think sometimes that practice is counterproductive because either I get too excited to sleep or too worried that I have too much to do to get ready or that my story will end like the far too many stories I've read of sailors bailing into their life raft to float for days or even months before they get rescued.

But it is something that I am so ready for. My hesitation, is just part of my personality. I always want to be totally sure that big decisions have been looked at from every direction and every scenario planned for so that once I make a decision I never have to second guess myself. And today I pushed that button.

So I will fly out of LAX to Miami. It takes almost an entire day to get there with the time change. I will take a shuttle to Key Largo,check in with Paul at the Key Lime Sailing Club and stow my belongings. I can then rent a bike and ride to get a bite to eat, hit up the market on the way home to grab some groceries, and try to get some rest on my new home for the next five days.

I will take off at first light the next day for four days of sailing and solitude. On Friday I pull into Key West, hand the boat off to Paul, wander around Key West for a few hours, grab some lunch and take one of those tourist buses to the airport. I will then check in and fly out on a little plane to Miami, then to LAX. I grab a ride home with my dad, wake up my kids who were up way too late trying to stay up until I got home, say hello and crash into my bed at my parents' house.

I will wake up the next morning to well fed kids who attack me with their excitement, try to tell my parents about my adventure between stories from the kids and their week, a quick hour drive home to see Tony who will look refreshed and renewed with his week alone, too.

?

Now why would I be hesitant to commit to that? Then I spend the next few weeks or months finishing up the book and take on the next adventure, dealing with the publishing world, which for me seems much scarier than a boat alone for four days.

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Diabetes by the Numbers

252 - Last blood sugar reading 684 - Highest blood sugar on record- although it may be a bit inaccurate since the new meters don't go higher than 599 28 - Lowest blood sugar on record- They say you're supposed to pass out at 30 102 - Favorite blood sugar- high enough not to worry about lows and not the "perfect 100" that everyone else strives for 15 - Pounds dropped at diagnosis 19 - pounds gained after starting insulin 8.3 - Last A1C blood test 5-6.9 - "good" A1C range 7.0 A1C I want 5.5- A1C that I would "shit bricks" over 9+ - A1C that makes me cry 36 - Number of A1C test results I have had to endure 8 - Mini boxes of candy I had last night on Halloween 10 - how much I hate Halloween on a scale of 1 to 10 because of the constant temptation of packages of candy just small enough not to register on the "to avoid" list

1,460 - Number of shots I took before giving up the shots and getting an insulin pump, never to look back 42,340 - Number of times I have sliced a tiny hole in my finger to extract enough blood to give to the machine who will grade my diabetic efforts for the last few hours and give me a result that will either make me smile or make me curse, but either way will better inform me of my enemies tactics and how I can outsmart him. 2,867 - Number of curse words spilled from my mouth in reaction to diabetes 1 - Number of entire boxes of Rice Krispies almost poured over my head in a state of low blood sugar 528 - Number of crying spells brought on by my enemy 2 - Number of E.R. visits due to freakishly high blood sugars 1 - Number of official D.K.A.'s because a box of recalled pump infusion sites got out to me and happened to get used at the same time I was battling the flu (and yes I am pulling out every reason in the world that this one was NOT MY FAULT) 2 - Number of crazy docs who thought they knew more about my body than I did and set me up to do or believe down right stupid things like I would never be able to walk barefoot or that to have 7 different basal rates on a pump is "not necessary" 3- Number of amazing docs who know I live with my body and my enemy daily and who work with me to sharpen my battle plan, who give advice on new research, new tests or new technologies to fight the bastard 14 - years I've had diabetes 12 - years I spent trying to battle diabetes on my own 1,000's friends I feel like I have through Insulindependence.org who help lend support and comfort as we fight together 20ish- the actual number of friends I have made through Insulindependence, though their support makes it feel like more 764 - the Number of times I've said to myself, "Now why didn't I join Insulindependence sooner?" and replied to myself, "Oh, Yes, That's right, they've only been around since 2005!" 864,357- people I wish I could tell to become a part of Insulindependence- It will change the way you attack the enemy 62 - boxes of pump supplies, glucose monitor supplies, sensors, tapes, I.V. Prep, glucose monitor strips and other assorted supplies in my closet/pharmacy 42,120- used blood glucose monitor strips I've sent to the landfill 24 strips currently in various crevices in my car 56 strips currently in my wallet/monitor case 138 strips in the trashcan in the bathroom 2 strips in my running bag 33,476 words written in my slightly humorous (but only to the warped minds of the world) memoir on life with diabetes and sailing solo through the keys 16,534 words to write by November 30 to be a winner in the NaNoWriMo or the National Novel Writing Month 551.13 words per day to write to meet that goal 665 words written so far today, oh wait make that 674. 16 Times I've said since I committed to NaNoWriMo last night, "Oh Crap! How am I ever going to be able to pul this off?" 14 sailing books I own and have read- most of which end in hideous disaster and ruin 3 boats I own, though the largest of the fleet is 15 inches long and attached to a stand so it doesn't tip over on my desk 12 - number of feet of the boat I will build this Spring Break 2- number of children who will help me build it 22- feet of the boat graciously donated for me to use for my trip this February by the Key Lime Sailing Club, my favorite sailing club in the world 4- days I will spend sailing alone int he Florida Keys 100- nautical miles I will cover from Key Largo to Key West 480- GPS waypoints beamed to the satellites and then back to mapmytracks.com where anyone can follow along as I sail 168- messages sent to the social networking sites to update everyone of everything I am doing, seeing, hearing, smelling and eating along the way 7500- dollars that I am trying to raise to benefit the oceanic recreation branch of Insulindependence.org 765- dollars I have already raised (thank you, by the way, to all those amazing people who have helped out in this) 105- days left to raise the additional $6735 64.14 -dollars to raise each and every day until I sail 872- times I have said "Oh Crap! How am I ever going to be able to pul this off?" 4696 miles to fly 63 miles to drive 5 sunsets to watch 3 manatees to talk with 82,354 skeeters to avoid 459 pictures to take 152 minutes of HD video to take so I can edit it down to the 3 minutes I am not looking like a total dork 6840 minutes I will be truly enjoying myself as I seek to take some time away from my everyday life to reflect on what diabetes has done to my life and what the fight against letting it take over has done for my character and my life 40,000 words I will have left to write to finish the memoir expressing those new revelations I am sure to have while spending 6840 minutes alone on a boat in the middle of the sea (well, ok, maybe not the middle of the sea, but far enough away from land that it will feel like the middle of the sea) 17 minutes I have just forced you to read far too many numbers 63 useless numbers that have now been stored somewhere in your brain taking up valuable space that could have been used to remember your telephone number when you move into the retirement home when you are 89 1 person you have now far too many unrelated details about that may come together to form a slightly clearer picture of (sorry Mrs. Fullenwider for ending that one with a preposition)

A New Kind of Training

For the first time in over two years, I am finally seeing the payoff from my workouts. I am getting stronger and faster and I can go longer. I have tripled my long swim in only 4 weeks. After spending two years, working out whenever I wasn't totally fatigued and still seeing rising times and declining mileage, I am more than happy to see that trend reversing.

I am four weeks in to a twenty-week training program for my trip. The funny thing is what I am training for, the skills and speed I am building, I am also praying I won't ever have to use.

For over a decade I have been training for triathlons and the training is very straightforward. You will need to swim, bike and run a certain distance and so you go out and practice running that distance. On race day, you know the distance to be covered, know that you have put in the time to cover it and you do.

After a few good years of this, you might have the good sense to add some strength training to counter some imbalances all the forward motion puts on your body or to counter the emaciating effects of endurance sports (have you seen the top Ironmen?) Not that that was ever one of my problems, but it all makes good sense. Very linear thinking on that one.

Now that I am planning a sailing trip, I had to look at training in a very different light, because in reality, what I will most likely be doing is standing or sitting for six to eight hours a day holding a stick to steer a boat and then pulling a couple of lines every now and then. Compared to hours of a triathlon, it didn't seem to measure up or demand the kind of training I might put into preparing for my next race.

So when I was devising a training plan I had to make sure I could do a low intensity activity for at least 8 hours. That was an easy fix. Start building low intensity long runs and rides up to about 3 hours. If I can run for 3 hours, I can probably stand for eight several days in a row. But that would not be the only skill I might need.

The other skills I am training for, I can only pray I will not have to prove. They are based more on a worst-case scenario, the "what-ifs" as Tony would say. What happens if I fall off the boat? A man overboard drill isn't exactly going to work. So I will be dragging a 50 foot line behind the boat. In the event I fall off and have my wits about me enough, I can sprint for the line, and hope to reach it in time for the boat not to have sailed away into the sunset without me.

Thus I have to incorporate swim sprints into my training. In the middle of my long swim, I will add some pickups and some all out sprints to make sure my lungs can handle the speed and that my muscles are ready and efficient should I need them. So, let's say that pays off and I now am holding the line dragging off the end of a boat traveling five knots. Or maybe I should say, being dragged through the water at five knots and needing to get 50 feet ahead on the line so that I can get back on board.

Looks like I should add some strength training, and let's focus on some upper body strength. And not just weights machines in a weight room that really don't relate much to real life movements. For this I have tapped into an old program I did that built muscle and the ability to use it in real life situations, P90x. I have taken some of their moves and modified it to fit into a schedule that will be built around my specific needs. So three or four times a week I am doing all sorts of pull-ups and push-ups in so many different variations it can boggle the mind.

Now, just for argument's sake (don't worry Mom, this will never actually happen) say I miss the rope. With no one to radio for help or to swing around to get me, I may need to get moving. The rules of hypothermia say you never try to swim for land. But there are rules that say you should never try to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back up in a day. That was a cinch and the other people I saw RUNNING it fared far better than me.

So I am assuming those rules are stated for the average person, one who has not trained for long distance swimming. The water is warm, it will be day light and sunny or at least warm, so I should be able to swim at least two miles straight. I have built long swims into the work week. I hit one mile last Sunday which is right where I left off when I was only moderately sick.

After getting really sick a good swim became 600 yards, and even those were hard to get through. At my worst, seven minutes of yoga put me on my butt in the middle of my living room panting and thinking I would need at least four hours recovery sleep for it.

During most of the trip, I will not be more than a half-mile offshore. At the most, probably one-and-a-half miles. So a two-mile prep swim should give me enough in the reservoirs to fight a little current if needed and make it to land. And, I suppose in this case, I should pick up a survival guide to the Keys so in case I have just swum to one of the many, many uninhabited islands that are out there I will know which berries to stay away form and how to build a shelter for a night.

And of course the least essential aspect of my training but really the one that flashes before my eyes quite often, I am going to document this trip and it takes place on a boat in Florida where it is quite warm. Since I am not the most talented photographer who knows all the right angles to use to make a person look their best, I better be comfortable with myself in a bathing suit, my uniform for the week out there, in the middle of February.

So I am eating clean, bypassing the extra cookie, and getting out there at 5 am to get in the extra twenty minutes on the trainer or treadmill because every bit counts and even though I may hide it well, I am still a girl who, behind a few other more important priorities, still wants to look good.