Crossing a Threshold
Today I crossed a treshhold. The one point in my mind of no return. Today I purchased my airline ticket to Miami. My non-refundable, I'm out a pocket full of cash if I don't follow through with this trip ticket. So I guess I'm all in at this point.
The funny thing is I decided on which ticket to buy over a week ago. I looked at the website about eight times just staring at the itinerary and agreeing that it was the ticket I wanted but not able to get myself to click "buy ticket". I think I was still a little hesitant at committing myself even though technically I am already more than committed.
I have publicly announced that I am going so to pull back now would come with public scorn, although I do think I could come up with an excuse believable enough to convince a good portion of those people that I was making a wise decision for everyone involved. I could spin it in one way or another to come out looking okay. The crux of my memoir hangs on the notion that I go on the trip, but I could somehow write me backing out into the plot and still make it readable.
But now, now my pocketbook is involved. I spent every dollar of my recent birthday money (I turned 25 again) and the proceeds from participating in a medical research study to purchase my ticket. So now if I back out I am out a chuck of money that I so rarely come into contact with. Now I have to go.
Not that I don't want to go; most days it is the only thing that gets me through a day filled with students who don't want to listen and who are very fidgety and noisy, and errands after errands to run, and lunches to pack and bills to worry about. It is usually the last thing I think about at night when I am trying to get to sleep. Although I think sometimes that practice is counterproductive because either I get too excited to sleep or too worried that I have too much to do to get ready or that my story will end like the far too many stories I've read of sailors bailing into their life raft to float for days or even months before they get rescued.
But it is something that I am so ready for. My hesitation, is just part of my personality. I always want to be totally sure that big decisions have been looked at from every direction and every scenario planned for so that once I make a decision I never have to second guess myself. And today I pushed that button.
So I will fly out of LAX to Miami. It takes almost an entire day to get there with the time change. I will take a shuttle to Key Largo,check in with Paul at the Key Lime Sailing Club and stow my belongings. I can then rent a bike and ride to get a bite to eat, hit up the market on the way home to grab some groceries, and try to get some rest on my new home for the next five days.
I will take off at first light the next day for four days of sailing and solitude. On Friday I pull into Key West, hand the boat off to Paul, wander around Key West for a few hours, grab some lunch and take one of those tourist buses to the airport. I will then check in and fly out on a little plane to Miami, then to LAX. I grab a ride home with my dad, wake up my kids who were up way too late trying to stay up until I got home, say hello and crash into my bed at my parents' house.
I will wake up the next morning to well fed kids who attack me with their excitement, try to tell my parents about my adventure between stories from the kids and their week, a quick hour drive home to see Tony who will look refreshed and renewed with his week alone, too.
Now why would I be hesitant to commit to that? Then I spend the next few weeks or months finishing up the book and take on the next adventure, dealing with the publishing world, which for me seems much scarier than a boat alone for four days.
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